


truth be told, i never was yours

by stoleyouaway



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Bottom!Harry, College AU, First Time, Fluff, M/M, Pining!Louis, Rimming, Smut, Virgin!Harry, all the usual good stuff, top!Louis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-12
Updated: 2015-06-12
Packaged: 2018-04-04 00:41:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4120243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stoleyouaway/pseuds/stoleyouaway
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>College AU in which Harry is a virgin and Louis is definitely not in love with him. One night, this all changes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	truth be told, i never was yours

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from "This is Gospel" by P!ATD. Mostly just wanted to write a college au and this sort of came out. Thanks for reading.
> 
> Read in Russian **[here.](https://ficbook.net/readfic/3363625)**

Louis woke at eight in the morning to three sharp knocks on his door.

“Oi!” Louis shouted, throwing one of his pillows at the door. “Go away!”

The lock clicked and the handle twisted. The door swung open and Louis was confronted with a tall, curly-haired god. “Uhhhh,” Louis stuttered.

“Hi,” the god said sheepishly, holding a backpack in both hands in front of him. “Are you Louis? I’m sorry to wake you. I’m Harry. Your roommate?”

Louis gaped, dry-mouthed at the sight before him. “Ahhh yeah, I’m Louis.” Very smooth, Louis. “Sorry I yelled at you.”

“That’s okay,” Harry replied, picking up Louis’ pillow and handing it back to him. “I’ll keep in mind that you’re not a morning person.” Harry smiled at him. Louis wanted to live inside the glistening green of this boy’s eyes.

“Aren’t you a little young to be here?” Louis asked Harry curiously.

Harry just shrugged. “I skipped a couple grades.”

Louis stared at the boy, utterly fascinated.

“Uh, I’m gonna go get the rest of my bags. I’ll try to be quiet, in case you want to go back to sleep.” Harry placed his hands in his pockets, and Louis tried very hard not to stare too hard in that general area.

“Uh, no, that’s okay. I’m up now, so.” Louis wanted to slap himself for how ineloquent he sounded.

“Okay,” Harry said with a small smile, closing the door behind him as he left. Louis flopped back down into bed, groaning. Just his luck, getting assigned an incredibly attractive – and most likely straight – roommate. It was going to be a long year.

 

* * *

 “So what are you studying?” Harry asked, finally settling into his bed. It had taken him a total of two hours to completely unpack and settle in. Louis didn’t help much, but he did enjoy sneaking glances at some of Harry’s more personal things. Louis could have sworn he saw a suspect-looking pink glittery object in one of his storage bins, but decided against bringing it up. For now.

“Psychology and performing arts,” Louis replied. “I couldn’t really decide what I wanted to do more, so I’m doing both.”

“What kind of performing arts?” Harry’s eyes lit up, leaning toward Louis’ general direction.

“Drama, mostly. I can sing, too. Well, sort of. I’ve been taking lessons.” Louis glanced down, fiddling with a string in his comforter.

“Maybe we can duet together sometime.” Louis glanced at the boy, expecting a joking smirk, but Harry’s expression seemed sincere.

“Yeah, maybe.” Louis felt a heat creeping in his cheeks. There was something about this boy that made him unable to control himself.

“Anyway,” Harry said, and Louis knew his embarrassment was evident. “I’m planning on studying medicine. I just really want to save people’s lives.” There was a genuine hope in Harry’s inflection that erased any inkling of arrogance his words might have provoked. Louis thought he might be the most humble person he’d ever met.

They ended up talking for hours more. Louis found him so easy to talk to, maybe even more so then some of his best mates from home. Well, it also didn’t hurt that Harry was easy on the eyes. Louis felt the hole he was digging himself, and he couldn’t seem to stop.

* * *

“Hey,” Harry said, setting his coffee down on the table as he took a seat across from him.

Louis looked up from his psychology textbook. “What’s up,” he said nonchalantly, scribbling something into his notes.

“I got you coffee,” Harry said, pushing a takeaway cup toward him. “I didn’t know what you liked, so I just got you something sweet.”

Louis took the coffee. “Thanks, although I get all the sweetness I need from you.” Louis almost physically cringed, shaking his head. “Sorry, that was lame,” he admitted, feeling a flush spread across his face.

“I liked it,” said Harry with the biggest grin that made his green eyes shine more translucently. “Are we still on for dinner tonight?” he asked hopefully.

Louis glanced down at his psychology notes. He really couldn’t afford to take a break. Only two weeks into the semester and he already had an exam coming up. But at the same time, the last thing he wanted was to disappoint Harry. “I’ll be there.”

“Great!” Harry slung his bag over his shoulder and grabbed his coffee. “See you later, alligator!”

Louis watched him walk away, an aching adoration in his chest that persisted through the rest of the afternoon. Louis wasn’t one to examine his feelings, and he decided that those he has for Harry, especially, should be put aside to be dealt with at a much, much later date. The last thing he needed was to develop a crush on his roommate.

There was just something about him, though. Something Louis couldn’t quite describe. Harry cared much more about others than himself, but not in the way that felt self-deprecating. That’s just how he was, and he never asked for anything in return for his kindness. Harry frequently shared half of his snack with Louis without Louis having to ask, always ordered two coffees, always kept a spare pencil in case there was someone in need. Besides that, there was such a child-like innocence to him that so starkly contrasted with his tall, handsome appearance. He could have skipped university altogether and starting modeling at Burberry right away, but Harry couldn’t care less about those sorts of material things.

Something about him always left Louis wanting more. And it was this feeling, this _loss_ when Harry walked away, that absolutely terrified him.

 

* * *

For a few weeks, Louis and Harry continued their bi-weekly dinner dates, sometimes joined by other friends, sometimes just the two of them. They alternated between eating on campus and eating out at local restaurants, depending on what they could afford.

One brisk night in autumn, Louis bundled up in his coat and walked down to the café near their dorm building. He wasn’t happy about seeing his breath in the air this early in the year, and made a mental note to grumble about it to Harry over some hot soup. Harry was driving straight from work to dinner, so Louis told him he’d just meet him at the restaurant. Louis arrived first and picked a cozy booth in the back. The restaurant had a very bohemian feel, with tapestries hung on the walls, comfy pillows strewn everywhere, lit by a warm yellow glow. Louis grinned, knowing Harry was going to love this place. It had been a favorite of Louis’ since his first year, when he met one of his best friends after spilling a cup of hot tea on his t-shirt. He made a mental note to give Liam a call – they didn’t go to the same university, and it had been a while since they’d met up for beers and some good conversation.

It was a few minutes more before Harry bursts through the door, looking like a giant in the small doorway. He catches sight of Louis and immediately lights up in the way that makes Louis heart want to beat out of his chest. He had to pinch himself on the underside of his wrist so he could concentrate.

“How was work?” Louis asked routinely, looking through the menu, mostly to avoid staring at the flush in Harry’s cheeks from the cold air.

“Amazing.” Louis was jolted by those words. He usually only ever heard Harry’s job as a cashier described as “dull” or “mind-numbingly dull,” depending on the day.

“Why’s that?”

Harry bit his lower lip for a moment before meeting Louis’ gaze. “My cute co-worker asked me out.”

Louis choked on the water he had been sipping. He sputtered for a few moments, trying to regain control of his breathing. “Sorry.” He coughed twice more, patting his chest. “Wow. Your co-worker asked you out? Wow.”

Harry mistook Louis’ shock for excitement. “I know, right? We’d been flirting for like  a month and I didn’t even think he was interested, but he asked me to dinner on Thursday night.”

Louis didn’t know what to say. He knew he should congratulate Harry, say he’s happy for him, but he couldn’t find the words. All he could feel was a red heat welling inside of him, a feeling he couldn’t – or wouldn’t – put a name to.

“Thursday night?” Louis remarked, trying too hard to be casual. “So soon.”

“Yeah, I guess he’s just really eager. I am too.”

Harry began flipping through his menu. Louis hid his clenched fists beneath the table. They continued dinner that way, Harry overly excited and Louis barely containing his emotions. It wasn’t like him to overreact like this, but something in him twisted at the mere thought of Harry going out with some slimy douchebag who hits on his co-workers. He couldn’t stop his mind from going to the thought of the two of them kissing, touching, and it took everything within Louis not to vomit into his French onion soup.

It was only when they’d both gotten back to the dorm room and Louis finally had some alone time in the shower that he finally stepped out of himself and could see the situation objectively – Louis was jealous. Very, very jealous.

Louis rubbed his hand over his face vigorously. No, he thought. No, surely not. He was never very good with his feelings, but this one was too pressing to ignore and all too easy to identify.

Louis was falling in love with Harry. And what’s worse is he knew he was already in too deep.

* * *

“Louis, can I talk to you for a second?”

Louis looked up from his script to see a very sheepish-looking Harry standing over his bed. Louis sat up, set his script down, and patted the comforter next to him. “Sure, what’s up?”

“It’s . . . It’s about the date.” Harry looked down to where he was fiddling with his hands on his lap.

Louis had to swallow down the lump that instantly formed in his throat at the younger boy’s words. “Okay,” Louis said, eyebrows furrowed. “What about it?”

“It’s just that, well, I mean . . .” Harry couldn’t seem to find the words for a few moments. “I’m a virgin.”

Louis felt his eyebrows disappear into his hairline. He blinked a few times, thinking there’s no way he just heard Harry right. He’s a _virgin_? Impossible.

“It’s not like I haven’t done _stuff_ with anyone,” Harry backtracked, correctly interpreting Louis’ silence as shock. “I’ve kissed a few guys and girls, and one time I gave this guy a handjob in the back of a movie theater. But I’ve really never had anything that I can call sex. You know.” Harry pulled his face into a wry smile, glancing over at Louis.

Louis felt like he was hit with too much information to process in those few seconds of silence. _Girls? Handjob?_ “So, like, what, do you think this guy is the one? Like, do you think you’re gonna have sex with him?” Louis couldn’t help but notice the bite in his tone.

Harry shrugged, eyes reverting to a loose strand in Louis’ comforter, which he began absentmindedly picking at. “I dunno, he seems nice enough. And I figure it’s about time I get some action. I’m nineteen years old, for god’s sake.”

“Well, are you nervous?” Louis couldn’t help but ask. Louis technically lost his virginity at sixteen at a family party. A friend of a boyfriend of an aunt took him into a closet and they blew each other, but it wasn’t a particularly memorable experience. Looking back, Louis kind of regretted the whole thing.

Harry could only look at him and nod. Louis swore for a moment he could see tears in Harry’s eyes.

“It’s okay,” Louis said immediately, arms wrapping around the taller boy and pulling him into a tight hug. Harry rested his head on Louis’ shoulder, wrapping his arms around Louis’ middle. “Sex is good, sex is fun. You shouldn’t be scared of it. If you’re scared, you’re not ready.” He pulled Harry up to look him straight in the eye. No matter Louis’ feelings, this was too important to be dishonest about. “Sex doesn’t always have to mean penetration. I don’t really know how you stand on that subject, but if that’s what you’re worried about, then you can insist on topping or doing something besides that.”

Louis watched Harry’s blush spread across his cheeks. He stammered for a few moments before finding his words. He didn’t meet Louis’ eyes when he said, “No, I wouldn’t mind . . . doing _that_. I’m just scared it’ll hurt.”

Louis nodded in understanding, wrapping his hand around Harry’s knee. “It won’t, as long as the person you’re with takes care of you. I’ve done both, and it’s great either way, as long as whoever’s bottoming is properly prepared. And you can always do the prep work in advance, if you’re worried about it.”

Harry’s eyebrows shot up at that comment. “Sounds like you’ve had a lot of experience with this.” Was that tone in Harry’s voice _jealousy_? No, Louis corrected himself. He couldn’t afford to raise his hopes.

He attempted to shrug casually. “Some.” He tried to revert the conversation back to Harry in an attempt to avoid having to talk about how extensive his sex life was. “You just need to do what feels right to you. Not because you want to please someone else. If he tries to make you do something you don’t want to, you have every right to say no. Okay? Remember that.”

Louis was holding Harry’s face in his hands now. A part of Louis wanted more than anything to lean down and press his lips against Harry’s. But, considering the vulnerable state Harry was in, Louis thought that was probably the worst thing he could have done in the moment. Harry needs him now as a _friend_.

Harry nodded, and Louis brushed a single tear off Harry’s cheek with his thumb.

“Thanks, Louis,” Harry whispered, his voice gravelly. “I don’t know what I’d do without you. You’re one of the best friends I’ve ever had. I’m so . . . comfortable with you.” He paused briefly to wipe his nose with his sleeve. “Thanks for listening to me snivel about this. And for talking about all this . . . awkward stuff.”

Louis couldn’t help but brush his fingers through Harry’s curly mane. “I’m always here for you, you know that. Whatever you need. And it’s not awkward. Sex is natural.”

“I dunno,” Harry shrugged. “It’s just weird talking about sex with my friend.”

“It doesn’t have to be,” Louis said, biting his lower lip. He wanted – needed – to test the waters a little. “Lots of friends have sex, just for fun.”

He saw Harry freeze from the corner of his eye. Louis couldn’t quite look at him or he knew he’d lose his nerve. “You know, Harry, sex can be just sex. It doesn’t always have to have romantic feelings attached to be good.”  

Harry shot him a confused glance. “What are you saying?”

Louis shook his head but he couldn’t help but say, “I mean, what if you and I . . .”

Harry’s eyebrows shot up. “What if you and I had sex?”

Louis immediately felt the weight of guilt pressing on his chest. How could he take advantage of Harry like this? “Yeah. Just for you to have some experience.”

To Louis’ utmost surprise, Harry didn’t immediately reject the idea or tell him to go to hell or any other negative reaction Louis had played out in his mind. Instead he looked almost . . . thoughtful. Considering.

Finally, he spoke. “So, just sex? And then after we go back to being friends, with no weirdness?” There was a glimmer in Harry’s eyes Louis couldn’t identify.

Louis shrugged. “If that’s what you want, I’m down for it.”

Harry paused for a moment, then nodded. “Okay. I’m in.”

Louis smiled. “Good.” There was something gnawing at Louis’ stomach, something deep inside warning him against this. He ignored it.

“So how do we start this?” Harry looked like a lost puppy, staring at Louis with a mixture of desire and fear, something that both spurs Louis on and makes him want to stop dead in his tracks and prevent this from continuing. This was _Harry_ , his good friend, his roommate. The guy he was maybe kind of in love with – could Louis really come out of this okay?  Or would this only secure his emotional attachment to Harry? Louis was so afraid of getting his heartbroken that he’d never had a boyfriend before – hooked up, sure, but ran away when things started to get remotely serious. Louis was good at sex – even he knew that. But it was romance that he was afraid of failing miserably at. Everything in Louis told him not to go through with this, that having sex with Harry would only make the situation so much worse, but one look at Harry and Louis knew he could never resist. 

Louis reached out and took Harry’s hand between his own, moving closer to him on the bed. “Kiss me,” Louis whispered, meeting Harry’s gaze straight on.

Harry leaned in slowly, eyes fluttering closed. Louis did the same, closing the distance between them. The pressure was soft at first, barely touching. Louis thought his heart would beat out of his chest. Harry broke the kiss suddenly, giggling into Louis’ mouth. Louis pulled away slightly, not finding as much humor in the situation. Eventually, Harry apologized and their mouths reconnected. Slowly, they got more comfortable, and opened up to the kiss. Louis flicked his tongue against Harry’s lips experimentally, threading his fingers through the younger boy’s curls to pull him even closer.

Eventually Harry pulled away, falling back flat on the bed and pulling Louis on top of him. Louis straddled Harry’s lap, one leg on either side of his hips, with his hands on Harry’s broad chest. Harry began playing with the hem of Louis’ t-shirt. “Can I?”

Louis lifted his arms in response, letting Harry pull his shirt over his head. He watched Harry’s reaction carefully, watched as his eyes widened and his mouth dropped slightly, fingertips running gently up and down the length of Louis’ chest.

“Wow,” Harry breathed.

“Shut up,” Louis grumbled, hitting him playfully with a pillow.

Harry tweaked one of Louis’ nipples experimentally in revenge, smiling gleefully at the drawn out moan it elicits. Louis moaned again as Harry brushed the pads of both his thumbs over his nipples, throwing his head back in pleasure. Harry leaned up and began placing kisses along Louis’ sternum, traveling eventually down to his stomach. He swiped his tongue along Louis’ faintly defined abs before working back up and taking one of Louis’ little brown nubs into his mouth. Harry took Louis into his arms as he shook, tweaking one nipple with his fingers while he lathed the other with kitten licks.

“Okay, okay,” Louis said, slightly out of breath. “You discovered my weak spot. You keep doing that, I cum in my pants, and this is over.”

Harry couldn’t help but laugh, covering Louis’s mouth with his own smile. “Fair enough.”

Louis’ fingers snaked under Harry’s own t-shirt – he tried his hardest to hide the nerves that made his hands tremble – and Harry lifted his head as his shirt came off. Louis’ breath hitched in his throat.

He had seen Harry shirtless before, of course. They were roommates, and they were hardly modest about nudity. Louis always did his best to avert his eyes, feeling guilty each time he sneaked a peek at Harry’s smooth, toned body. Louis didn’t ever think he’d be in this position, straddling Harry, stroking his chest as he thrusted his hips against Harry’s experimentally. Louis adjusted himself until their groins were aligned, grinding down on Harry. He relished the little moans that fell from Harry, his eyes now hooded. He could feel the hardness of Harry’s cock against his thigh, long and straining against Harry’s jeans.

Eventually Louis went lower on Harry’s body until his face aligned with Harry’s hips. Slowly, deliberately maintaining eye contact, Louis undid the zipper of Harry’s jeans and pulled them down and off his legs. Underneath Harry wore silky black briefs that perfectly displayed the outline of his cock. Louis made a brief mental note of gratitude that he wasn’t bottoming, because Harry’s cock looked to be more than he could handle.

Louis looked up at Harry again. “You sure?”

Harry nodded, face already flushed. That was all the consent Louis needed before he pulled down Harry’s briefs. He wanted to go slow, tease him, kiss and lick him everywhere _but_ his cock until he was squirming. But Louis was too eager, too desperate to wrap his lips around Harry.

Louis grabbed the base of Harry’s cock with one hand, tracing his tongue from his balls up to the tip. He felt Harry’s fingers lace through his hair, guiding him gently as he bobbed up and down on his cock.

“Fuck, Louis,” Harry murmured, his voice hoarse and deep. Louis squirmed, desperately trying to get friction against his own cock through his sweatpants.

Eventually, when Harry’s moans became dangerously loud – to the point where Louis was sure everyone in the hall could hear them – Louis moved his mouth lower. Gently, Louis spread Harry’s legs, placing them over his shoulders.

He took a moment to admire the sight in front of him – Harry was completely disheveled, naked and splayed. But there was something else about him that seemed exposed – his eyes were completely unguarded, his desire apparent in his face. Louis could almost believe that this was more than sex, that Harry was feeling some deeper connection too.

Louis stuck out his tongue and licked the flat of his tongue against Harry’s hole experimentally. Harry let out a loud gasp, his clenched fingers tightening on Louis’ hair. Encouraged by the powerful reaction, Louis continued, alternating between broad stripes from his hole to his balls, and then stiffening his tongue to begin working his way inside. Harry was a writhing mess beneath him, and Louis had to put one hand flat on Harry’s chest to steady him.

“Easy,” he said, smirking up at Harry from between his legs. He watched as Harry’s eyes fluttered open, his chest heaving. “Hey, you okay?” Harry nodded. Louis used his free hand to circle one of his fingers around Harry’s hole. Harry immediately flinched, eased only by the soft stroking of Louis’ thumb across his stomach. “Shhh. Relax, okay? It’s easier when you relax. It won’t hurt, I promise.” Louis reached in his bedside drawer and pulled out a half-empty bottle of lube. He used a liberal amount, wanting to make this the least painful experience possible for Harry. He coated his fingers liberally and began to push one finger slowly inside. Louis watched the younger boy carefully, taking his time and pausing when he felt Harry tense up. He reminded Harry every once in a while to relax, and eventually pushed his finger in to the second knuckle.

“Okay?” Louis had forgotten all about his own arousal in the moment, so focused on making Harry feel comfortable.

“Yeah.” Harry’s voice was hoarse, a sheen of sweat on his forehead.

Louis placed gentle kisses to his cock and hipbones as he gently moved his finger in and out of Harry, adding a second finger only when he knew Harry was ready. Louis remembered the first time he was fucked, and how it was more painful than enjoyable because he wasn’t properly prepared.

Finally, Harry wrapped his long fingers around Louis’ wrist and pulled his fingers out. “Please fuck me,” Harry whispered in Louis’ ear. “I’m ready. I can’t take it anymore; I need to you to fuck me now.”

Louis wasn’t one to deny a direct request. He fished through his bedside table, found a condom, and tore it open with his teeth. Harry sat up to pull Louis’ sweatpants off his legs.

“You’re not wearing any pants,” Harry remarked. It wasn’t a question, and he watched as Harry swallowed noticeably. “Wow.”

“Shut up,” Louis said, shoving his shoulder gently. He felt embarrassed in the moment, unable to stop himself from comparing Harry’s body to his own. He knew he wouldn’t measure up, and this only confirmed it. Harry had toned muscles, long shapely legs, and the biggest cock Louis had ever seen in person. He wasn’t exactly small in that area himself, but compared to Harry anyone would feel insecure.

Harry wrapped his arms around Louis, seeming to sense his thoughts. “Hey,” he said, his voice deep and silky. “Don’t be nervous. It’s just me, okay?” And when Harry was staring at him like that, like he was the only person who mattered in the world, who was Louis to argue with him?

Louis rolled the condom on and positioned himself so his cock was aligned with Harry’s hole. Carefully, he guided himself until just the tip passed the tight sphincter. Harry wrapped both his hands around the back of his neck, pulling Louis closer as Louis continued to push gently until he was fully sheathed. He stilled, locking eyes with Harry, watching as the younger boy measured his breathing. Harry pulled him in for a kiss, wet and aggressive. He bit down gingerly on Louis’ lower lip as Louis began to move inside him, slow back and forth motions until Harry was fully adjusted to the feeling of fullness. Small moans escaped his mouth and fell onto Louis’ lips, as they shared breaths and kisses between them.

With a clever grin, Louis flipped onto his back, pulling Harry on top of him. He watched as Harry grabbed his dick and centered himself on it, sinking down on it slowly, maintaining eye contact at all times. Harry’s chest shone with sweat, his cock bouncing in time to the rhythm of Louis’ thrusts up into him. Harry gave himself over to it, leaning back to rest his hands on Louis’ knees. Louis grabbed his hips, alternating between slow strokes and fast thrusts, loving how Harry’s mouth fell open. Harry’s speech seemed reduced to only curse words and Louis’ name, over and over again.

“I’m close,” Harry admitted hoarsely, throwing his head back at a well-aimed thrust. Louis took his cock into his hand in response, letting Harry fuck himself on his cock as he stroked him.

“Fuck, Harry,” was all Louis could think to say, too lost in pleasure.

With a cry, Harry orgasmed, spurting over his own chest and Louis’ hand. Louis stroked him through it, still fucking up into him. Trembling, Harry collapsed on top of Louis, panting in Louis’ ear.

“Come for me, Lou,” Harry whispered, and that was all it took. Louis climaxed, his teeth dug into the skin of Harry’s shoulder, his cock buried deep inside Harry. He murmured something against Harry’s lips, some confession in the heat of the moment.

Harry flopped over next to him, Louis’ cock sliding out of him. He took the condom off and tied it off, tossing it in the wastebasket. Harry stood, and Louis watched him walk to the closet. He pulled out a towel, cleaned off his stomach, and then brought it over for Louis to clean his hands.

“Thanks.” Harry nodded. Louis half-expected him to climb back into his bed so they could sleep, but instead Harry just leaned over and kissed him on the forehead.

“Thank you,” he whispered, before walking across the room and climbing into his own bed .

“Goodnight,” Louis murmured before turning away, hiding his face from Harry as tears fell down his cheeks.

* * *

Louis didn’t get out of bed the next day. He didn’t see the point – he felt crippled, like he’d been trampled by a herd of elephants. He kept replaying the night before over and over – how Harry felt, how he tasted, his smell, the way he said Louis’ name . . . Louis closed his eyes and the only thing he could see was how Harry looked when he came. It sent pangs of pain to his chest. He slept some of the day, but it was fitful, his mind restless even when he was unconscious.

Harry came back from his classes to find him still in bed. He tried reaching out, asking if Louis was okay, but Louis said it was nothing. The second time Harry asked, Louis ignored him altogether. He knew it wasn’t healthy behavior, and that he shouldn’t shut his friend out, but Louis didn’t know how to talk to Harry without breaking down and admitting his feelings.

Louis spent the next week or so in a zombie-like state. He went to classes, didn’t take any notes, and barely ate anything. Anything Harry asked was met with one word answers unless it was unavoidable.

“Did _I_ do something?” Harry asked after a few days of this. “Are you angry with me?”

Louis just shook his head. He didn’t have an answer to Harry’s question. It wasn’t something _he_ did, it was something Louis did to himself, and now he was living with the consequences.

“Louis, you need to _talk_ to me! We have sex and then you just shut me out! What _happened_? You said that it wouldn’t get weird. You said we would go back to normal. You _said_.” Louis saw the anger boiling inside Harry, and it spurred something within him. He owed it to Harry to give him some kind of reason for his bizarre behavior – Harry was just trying to be his friend.

“I guess, Harry, I’m just . . . I feel weird right now. About . . . this. Our friendship. I know what I said, and I’m sorry. I promise I’ll do my best to get over this quickly, but right now it’s confusing and I don’t know how to be around you.” Louis forced a smile onto his face. “I promise, I still like you, and we’re still friends.”

Harry softened a bit. “Alright, Lou. Take your time.” A smile adorned his features. “I have my date tonight,” he reminded Louis, “so I won’t be back till late. Don’t wait up for me.” He threw Louis a wink before shutting the door behind him. Louis felt the bile rise in his throat at the thought of another guy dating Harry, kissing Harry, fucking Harry. But Louis wasn’t allowed to have these thoughts.

Harry wasn’t his. He never was, Louis realized. And maybe he never will be.

 

* * *

After a week of being in this funk, of Louis and Harry barely speaking, Louis needed he needed someone to vent to. He called Liam.

Louis spoke before Liam could even say hello. “We’re going for drinks,” Louis said matter-of-factly.

“Okay.” There was a no-nonsense way Liam always spoke to him. “Tonight?”

“Local, nine o’clock.”

“You got it.” Louis heard the click of Liam hanging up.

  

* * *

Louis left the dorm room at 8:45, leaving himself enough time to arrive by 9:10 to The Local, his and Liam’s favorite bar and the only one that happened to be equidistant between their two universities.

He spotted Liam immediately, drinking a beer and chatting up the bartender. Louis took a seat beside him, ordered a vodka shot, and then said hello.

“Wow, Lou, vodka? It’s a Thursday night. What’s wrong?”

Liam was the only person in the world who knew Louis well enough. “It’s a long story,” he said gruffly before delving into all the details. He told Liam all about Harry, his feelings, their friendship. Louis mentioned how he suggested that they have sex and Liam audibly groaned.

“Louis, you _didn’t_.”

“Ah, but I did. Unfortunately.”

“Why would you do that?” Liam set down his beer and placed his hands on Louis’ thighs. “I know you, Lou. Sex always means more to you than you say it does. You’ve got your heart broken by this kind of thing before.”

“I knew that, Liam, obviously. I knew what I was getting myself into. The sex was amazing, as I knew it would be, and the second it was over I felt miserable. I knew what my mistake would cost me. I’ve never been very good at . . . handling my feelings. And now I have so many of them and I just – well, I don’t really know what to do with them.”

Liam finished off his beer, gesturing for the bartender to bring him another. “Louis, I’m going to tell you something that you won’t like. But it’s what you need to hear, okay?” He waited for Louis to nod before continuing. “If you want to fix this with Harry, you don’t really have a choice other than to tell him how you feel.”

Louis shot him a glare. “How did I know you were going to say that.” It wasn’t a question. “I’m not drunk enough for this.” He called the bartender over and asked for a beer.

“Look, Louis, you know it’s the right thing to do. You want this guy, you have strong feelings for him, and then you fuck him. Obviously, that’s going to complicate things. The only way to untangle this mess is to come clean. And it won’t be fun and it could possibly mean the end of your relationship with him. But you have to do it, for your own sake at least.”

Louis’ mouth twisted into a grimace. “I hate it when you’re right, Payno.”

* * *

“Harry,” Louis said when Harry finally walked into the room. He had spent the entire day pacing back and forth, trying to figure out what he was going to say to him. Now that Harry was here, his eyes alight with joy upon Louis finally reaching out, every word that Louis had carefully prepared was erased from his mind. “Hey,” he started.

“Hey,” Harry said cautiously, like he didn’t really believe Louis was talking to him. He set his bag down on his bed. “What’s up?”

Louis thought about asking him to sit down next to him, before deciding that having Harry farther from him was better. “Uh, how was your date the other night?”

Harry’s eyes widened slightly before he shrugged. “It was alright. I liked the guy a lot, but it didn’t seem . . . right, for some reason. I don’t think I’ll go out with him again.”

Louis felt guilty for his happiness upon hearing that, and tried to keep a smile off his face. “Oh, I’m sorry about that.”

“’S okay.” Harry shrugged.

“Okay,” Louis began. “There’s something we need to talk about.”

Harry sat down on the edge of his own bed, hands clasped on his lap. He nodded, waiting for Louis to speak first.

Louis took a deep breath. “I know I’ve been . . . weird, for the past week. And I’m sorry about that. I was feeling kind of strange and in my head and I didn’t even ask you how _you_ were feeling afterwards, which should have been my main priority, so I’m sorry about that.”

“You shouldn’t worry about me, Lou. I can take care of myself.” Harry smiled. “What we did was – well it was fun. At least, I had fun. But I feel like you didn’t.”

Louis only shook his head.

“What’s going on with you, Lou? Be honest. Please. You can trust me.”

Louis met his gaze dead-on, trying to ignore the gnawing fear clawing at his insides. “You don’t want me to answer that. Really, you don’t.”

“Lou, tell me.” There was a pleading in Harry’s tone he couldn’t ignore.

“I haven’t stopped thinking about you since we met,” Louis admitted hurriedly. The words spilled out of him before he could think about them. “Since that morning when you barged into the room with your stupid face and your stupid hair, you haven’t left my head. I agonized over what I would say to you during our coffee dates, how you would react to my most personal stories. I was trying my hardest to get you to like me and it felt like you never noticed me. Then you mentioned that you were a virgin and I offered to have sex with you because I was that fucking desperate to get close to you. And it was only after we fucked that I realized it. I realized that I’m so fucking in love with you and I’ve tried denying it for so long and I hate myself for it, but I want you. You have pervaded every thought I’ve had since we met, and I couldn’t tell you because I’m a coward. I was _scared_ , of what you would say, of _losing_ you _._ ” Louis croaked on the last word, falling silent as emotions overtake him. He couldn’t have spoken more even if he wanted to, his throat too constricted to even breathe.

Louis watched as a red flush spread from Harry’s face down his chest. “You lied to me so I would have sex with you?”

Louis felt a tear fall onto his cheek. Harry’s twisted grimace burned onto his retinas. “It wasn’t my intention to lie to you. About any of this. I didn’t even realize how I felt until I was in too deep.”

To Louis, it felt like an eternity before Harry finally reacted. He watched, waiting in agony for Harry to finally show do or say _something_.

Harry began walking toward him. Louis braced himself, in case Harry were to slap him or punch him; he knew he deserved it, whatever it would be. But instead Harry took Louis’ hands and held onto them.

“Louis—“ It was the first word Harry spoke, but his voice cracked on it. “I’ve never . . . never met anyone like you. You are so vibrant, so – such a good _friend_ , and I admit that’s all I saw you as.” Louis bowed his head, knowing what words would follow. But Harry surprised him. “But then we had sex.” Louis whipped his head up to look at Harry incredulously. “I knew it from the first second we kissed. I knew I would never be satisfied going back to just friends. You were so gentle, and considerate of me, and I found myself more attracted to you, physically and romantically, with every touch, every kiss, every whisper of my name on your lips. I think you were too spaced-out to remember, but after you came you whispered something in my ear. I didn’t know whether you meant it or whether it was something you just said without thinking, but it’s replayed in my mind so many times since then.”

“What did I say?” Louis asked, but he felt like he already knew.

“You said ‘I love you’,” Harry replied. “And in that moment I wanted to say it back. But something stopped me. And I regretted not saying it back. So I’m saying it now.” He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Louis, I think I’m falling in love with you.”

Louis could only stare for a second before he pulled Harry down into his lap, kissing all over his face. Harry kissed him properly, and it was slow and languid, but Louis sensed the desperation behind it. He broke the kiss to stare into the green abyss of Harry’s eyes, so vivid he knew he could lose himself in them forever. He brought Harry closer until their foreheads touched. “We’ve done things really backwards, haven’t we?”

Harry laughed, and Louis watched fondly as his eyes crinkled. “It’s okay,” he replied. “We’ve got all the time in the world to do things right.”

**Author's Note:**

> Come to say hi on **[tumblr](https://stylslou.tumblr.com)** if you wish :)


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